Green Eggs and Tam

Best Break-up Tactics

2011-03-01T09:16:00.003-08:00

1) The botched cliche

We've all used a break-up cliche at one point or another. Ostensibly, the purpose of the break-up cliche is to soften the blow of what you're saying by thinly veiling it in a lame analogy. The classic 'it's not you it's me' is a prime example of this diversion technique. If you're ever fed this line there is only one thing you need to take away from it: It's 100% you.

Occasionally people will botch break-up cliches. Because breaking up with someone by text or online chat is becoming increasingly desirable and acceptable, botched cliches have increased significantly.

Classics from my gchat archive include (but are not limited to):

Him: It's a two-way streak
Me: Lol
Him: What?
Me: This is for the best

Him: Let's just take things year by year
Me: What do you mean by that?
Him: Like if I run into you when we're out...whatever happens happens
Me: Lol

Him: I really got placed under the bus here
Me: Just very gently placed under a bus...ya
Him: I think we need to gear down
Me: Haha. Like pump the brakes?
Him: Let the engine cool for a bit
Me: I totally understand

2) The friendly phase-out

The friendly phase-out is popular with people who want to end things while preserving the option to possibly hit that again. You'll never have a dramatic conversation about feelings filled with tears and bargaining tactics. Likely one of you will stop responding to texts with sentences and start using emoticons and one word answers like 'yikes!' and 'yes'. Eventually this becomes dissatisfying and one of you will move on.

3) The Facebook feed notification

This move is popular when one of you has done something bad such as cheating or stealing. You don't even tell the person you're breaking up with them, simply change your Facebook relationship status.

There are two major pros of using this technique:

a) It's really amusing for your friends and even funnier when they all Like the status.

b) The person will be so pissed off that you probably won't even have to put all their shit in a box and leave it dramatically on their doorstep. There will be no emotional blackmailing where one of you threatens to de-friend the other on Facebook. Both of you just move on.

4) Moving to another country

This happens way more than you think. Maybe they got a sweet job in Afghanistan or it's 'always been their dream to study rock formations in New Zealand.' Rest assured, when your honey starts getting malaria shots and tells you they just 'can't give up this opportunity to live in North Korea for a year' don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to have a long distance relationship. If they're moving to another continent to get away from you, it's over babe.

How To Pick Up Hot Guys

2010-12-16T00:25:00.009-08:00

There are a couple of reasons why I don't read women's magazines. The main reason is because for my eighth birthday my mother bought me a subscription to Seventeen magazine. A simple math equation (in this case 17-8) can easily determine that I wasn't supposed to be reading about whatever was being discussed in the Sex and Body column during the early 90s for roughly another nine years. Bad parenting aside, I somehow survived my freakishly informed childhood and have been having moderately dysfunctional relationships ever since.

Women's magazines are also stuffed with really dumb dating tips and even dumber articles such as Is Side Boob the New Cleavage. From someone who genuinely liked the movie Charlie St. Cloud, the fact that I find this pretty insulting is a serious issue.

For the purpose of research for this blog I was scouring Cosmo and came across a great example of misleading dating advice titled 'How to Pick Up Hot Guys.' While my usual 'wear a tank top and smirk a lot' usually never fails, I decided to try out Cosmo's tips in real life for the sake of science and report back to you, my devoted readers, who would have perfect lives if ONLY they knew how to pick up hot guys. For the experiment, I followed these instructions step by step and word for word.

To Pick Up Hot Guys:

1. Check out a cutie on the subway for two seconds, look away, then glance back at him through lowered lashes.

First of all, finding a cutie on the subway is harder than it sounds. Cute guys worth knowing have cars, not bus passes. Nevertheless, I set out on the Canada Line (obviously not paying the honour system fare) and looked for a cutie. I finally spotted my cutie after stopping at Broadway and Cambie; a 30 something man of average height with glasses who was wearing a Canucks jersey (I swear this was the cutest I could find). The next part was easy, I checked him out for two seconds and then looked away. Totally nailed it. The next part was much trickier. Please take a moment and try to glance away from your computer screen 'through lowered lashes'. Not only does it feel creepy and retarded, it looks even worse than it feels. If you've ever wondered what Queen Latifah feels like when she gets something caught in her eye, definitely try this move.

2. Sitting in a room full of guys? Turn sideways in your chair, cross your legs, arch your back, and run your fingers through your hair.

Well I don't know about you but I'm constantly sitting in a room full of guys. Always in fact. However, because there was a Canucks game on, later that night I did just happen to find myself sitting in a room full of guys and I was pumped to try this one out. During intermission I slowly tried it. I even threw in a Queen Latifah look through lowered lashes to go with it. I probably did this move about 35 times throughout the night and the only person who noticed was the waitress who asked me if I needed another drink. Fail number two.

3. "Trip," fall against a man's chest, and say "Damn, your pecs are so hard, I felt like I was falling into a wall."

Knowing full well that being clumsy isn't exactly a turn on, I picked the guy with the hardest looking chest in the room and pretended to trip so that I 'inadvertently' ended up rubbing his pecs. If my life was a romantic comedy, which I can assure you it's not, this would end up with Matthew Mcconaughey taking me out for lobster. Instead I ended up feeling like a complete idiot while some jock condescendingly asked me if I had had too much to drink. Next.

3. Get the indie-music guy hanging near the jukebox to help you pick out a song.

There's one glaring problem with this little dating tip. When was the last time you saw a jukebox? Was it when you were at Fogg N' Suds 12 years ago? Because that's the last time I saw one. Moving along.

4. Ask the motorcycle dude next to you to tell the story behind his "awesome" tattoo.

Let's be clear on one thing. Motorcycle dudes are not awesome and neither are their tattoos. Two out of three motorcycle dudes I've been out with in my life have had barbed wire tattoos. One out of the three almost died after being in a horrible motorcycle accident. For personal reasons, I skipped this one.

5. Walk up to that Taylor Lautner look-alike standing alone at a party, give him a playful smile, and say, "I heard there would be tons of cute guys here. So far, I've only seen one."

Most parties I go to are stacked to the brim with Taylor Lautner look-alikes. For me, the real problem is finding a guy who doesn't look like Taylor Lautner. And they're always standing alone. It's...like... really weird. Oddly, maybe it was the full moon but the party I was at wasn't boasting any babes with biceps who also turn into werewolves. Despite feeling slightly discouraged I spotted a guy who looked a bit like a short Chad Michael Murray and went in for the kill with my most playful smile. I am ashamed to say that this lame line actually worked. He laughed and I blushed. It was like a scene from Can't Hardly Wait. I felt much less like Queen Latifah and more like Jennifer Love Hewitt. While sparks didn't fly, it did start a conversation. Things were looking up.

6. Hit up a sports bar, and ask the guy sitting beside you what his favorite team is so you'll "know who to root for."

Warning: This only works if you're traveling or watching football on Sundays. Don't ever ask a guy who to root for if you're watching a hockey game in your home town, unless you want him to never talk to you again. On a Sunday, because there are multiple football games being played (and Canada doesn't have an NFL team) it's totally acceptable to ask the guy sitting beside you who he's cheering for. After he answers all you have to say is 'what's the spread?' followed by 'do you think they'll cover?' and he'll be really impressed.

7. Ask the hot Best Buy salesman to help you pick the perfect birthday present for your guy friend since he's a "sexy tech genius, like you."

After reading this my first instinct was to write a scathing and sarcastic response about how no-one who works at Best Buy is hot. But because I'm a big fan of the TV show Chuck, I decided to go down there and see for myself. The uniform definitely leaves a little to be desired but I was trying not to be superficial so I pressed on. If you like pale, apathetic guys, Best Buy is a great place to pick someone up. I eventually found the target: a tall, East Indian sexy genius named Pinder. He had a nice smile and seemed bored. I asked him to find the perfect birthday present for my friend who was a 'sexy tech genius, like you'. Pinder was obviously horrified. He looked around fervently for a supervisor before regaining composure and recommending an E-Reader. When I asked him which E-Reader was best for reading erotica he politely excused himself.

8. Step off the dance floor and quickly adjust one of your thigh-high stockings. Uh-oh, did that hottie sitting a few feet away catch you?

I was worried that if I tried this, I might be approached in a 'how much' sort of way. But I was too curious to resist and had some thigh-highs left over from a slutty back up Halloween costume I ditched in order to wear a full-body monkey suit. I made my way to The Roxy and hit the D-floor. Uh-oh, I'm happy to say that the 'hottie' sitting a few feet away (aka the overweight 37 year old with a severe speech impediment) definitely did catch me. He even offered to buy me a round of the Corona/tequila shot for ten bucks deal they offer every Sunday... so, I got to feel pretty good about myself.

Stay tuned for Part Two of this series when I buy my honey silk boxers in order to 'pamper his package' and place crumbs on my face on purpose in order to sexily lick them off.

Beef Wellington

2010-12-08T17:45:00.023-08:00

By Emaleah

First, permit me to begin by stating I am a principled lover of animals. I was a vegetarian during my rebellious teenage years to spite my hunting father, and although I now relish red meat with salacious abandon, I think factory farming is an abomination and that guys that don’t have pets aren’t dateable. I blindly take the dog’s side of most pitbull attack arguments and in my high school yearbook was voted “most likely to become a crazy cat lady.” So the story you are about to hear is very much an aberration, an anomaly, an occurrence as freakish as the beast itself.

The rancorous hound in question is called Wellington, and he is my nemesis.

For reasons we shall ignore, I am living at home with a small menagerie of stray cats and their offspring; 2 overweight dogs; 1 chinchilla; and the various vermin (squirrels, etc.) that infest the walls. We once had a bunny called Pumpkin who was eaten by the neighbour’s standard poodle, a bird (also died), fish (swallowed alive in vodka shooters), reptiles (fate unknown) and one of our cats used to leave “gifts” of rodent entrails under my bed. But none of these zoological traumas have inspired the splenetic fury that even now forces me to take a Zantac and listen to a pretty soothing YouTube meditation track called ZenGarden. At this time, I would strongly advise you do the same.

For your reference, we see pictured above an adorable Cavalier King Charles Spaniel of appropriate weight and innocence. Note her ingenuous eyes, like pools of prelapsarian purity. Now, if you dare, feast your eyes upon Him.

They have since *gag* SHAVED HIM so all his fat lumps and folds protrude more visibly. His general form is reminiscent of an overstuffed sausage whose molting fur-casing can scarcely contain the offal within. For no reason, the hairs on his head grow at varying speeds and lengths, creating an overall effect of sparse, whispy hairstrands flopped in a haphazard combover like that of a balding man. Yet he exudes an irreverent, slothlike air of oblivious sovereignty over all his human subjects.

Yes, pity this creature if you must, he is a “mere dog,” but pray, hear my side.

He wakes me no less than five times a morning, starting at 05:00 am with his shrill, high pitched yaps at a rate of 1 deafening bark/second. This lasts anywhere from 3-10 minutes or until he has achieved whatever hedonistic pleasure he demands. Most of the time, I assume this aim is simply reminding us of his grotesque reign of terror over all who dwell within earshot (conservatively a 2 block radius). This auditory assault is compounded by his master’s incomprehensible directives like LEFT! DON’T EAT THAT! YOUR OTHER LEFT! THAT’S NOT YOURS! Indicating Beef Wellington has stolen yet another one of my socks, which I will never retrieve now that it is coated in the shiny, viscous film that leaks from his mouth.

We entertained guests recently -- a rarity for obvious reasons -- who were asking after the pets. And how old is Cub [my perfect black lab who has never done anything wrong in her life]? 15? Oh she looks great! Well-earned accolades, praise and admiration ensue.

And then, cautiously repulsed, The Guest addresses the proverbial elephant in the room. How old his this one?

BW is reclined in a Jabba the Hutt-style, sluglike repose on the sofa; his bulging frog eyes condescendingly follow the humans’ pointless attempts to appease him.

Oh! his chief slave beams, 2 years old.
The guest recoils in horror.

TWO?! TWO?! That dog is obese!!

Yet he continues to be treated like a geriatric prince, slowly lured up the stairs to his lair with “treats” (used tissues) and soft cooing encouragements ("there you go, one more, good boy, you can do it") as if coaxing an arthritic animal in the winter of his noble years, beloved for decades of canine devotion and saving children trapped in wells. Not the latest victim in a series of fat, feral pups. Yes, there were others before him, but never such a one as THIS.

I take comfort sometimes in plotting the animal’s death. A favourite method was inspired by the “goat bait” scene of Jurrasic Park, where live goat is tied to a stake in the T-Rex cage and, let’s just say, “nature” takes its course.

Except in my life, Beef Wellington is the Tyrant King and the goat, I guess, is my happiness and overall health. I’m pretty sure I have a staff infection from when he scratched my leg with his effeminate talons. If I can summon the patience, his diet of hand-fed calf liver fried in butter, rotisserie chicken and something called Beggin’ Strips will do The Deed for me. But until that day comes, Beef Wellington remains my sin, my foe and my reluctant muse.

You must lose a fly to catch a trout

2010-12-02T22:03:00.002-08:00

By Christine Tam

Every year my friends and I go on a fishing trip to a very desolate place called Fish Camp north of Kamloops. To get there we have to drive five hours, plus an additional hour up a very bumpy and dangerous logging road, hike in literally more than our weight in alcohol down a treacherous and bear ridden path, and row across an entire lake. The only guiding light is usually a pretty neat looking headlamp or if we're really desperate, the dim glow of an iPhone with no service.

Like catching a fish, getting to the destination is not easy and some people might even say it's a lot of effort simply to row around a lake (sometimes in the freezing cold) hoping to catch one or two trout. But any good angler knows that fishing is about much more than knowing how to tie a fly and drink a beer while smoking a cigarette and rowing. In fact, there are many life lessons to be learned from fishing.

1) The early bird catches the worm

This old fishing saying is actually not always true -- in fishing or in life. At Fish Camp I'm usually too busy putting Baileys in my coffee and hovering around the bacon to get out on the water before 11 a.m. anyways. People tend to subscribe to the idea that if they're not first out there, they're going to miss out. This is where competitiveness and jealousy stems from and should be avoided at all costs. Anything you want in life, be it a 15 inch trout, a job, a hot babe or a million dollars will still be there after you have brushed your fucking teeth. So chill out.

2) Be patient

The early bird may or may not catch the worm but the impatient fool will never catch anything. Fishing is not an edge of your seat activity. It can take hours of rowing around in a boat until you get a bite. For this reason, patience (and beer) are pretty necessary. My parents always told me that patience is a virtue and that may be the only thing they were ever right about.

Everyone knows that the anticipation of getting something is better than actually getting it. That is why men will go traipse around the woods unshowered for days, sleep in smelly tents, eat canned beans and make strange animal calling noises in the insane ritual called hunting that they enjoy so much. The anticipation of chasing and killing a wild animal is far more satisfactory than eating the delicious venison roast you have to subsequently prepare for your gloating (and hopefully now showered) boyfriend. So while the only action you may have for hours is a piece of lake kelp getting caught on your fly, keep in mind that fishing is a journey and not a destination and remember to enjoy every moment of it.

3) Fish on

Sometimes you will catch a fish. This feeling is very similar to falling in love. Endorphins pump through your body. You feel light-headed. Your face is resting somewhere between looking really fucking happy and absolutely terrified. Your first instinct is to reel that fish in as fast as you can, throw a net over it, drag it into your open arms and bonk it as hard as you possibly can. In fishing and even more so in love -- this is not advisable.

4) Giv'er some line

Sometimes when you get a bite the best thing to do is to giv'er some line and let the fish swim for a bit. This gives it some time to swim normally, thinking it's still free and independent and gives you time to sink your hook even deeper into its flesh, thereby ensuring that once you do start reeling it in, you won't lose it. This is an especially good strategy if the fish is proving to be a fighter. If it's pulling at the line, let it go or you'll both end up in some deep water.

5) Bonking vs Catch and Release

Once you've successfully reeled in your fish it will be flopping around the floor of your boat thinking its life is over. It's normal to feel completely conflicted at this stage. It's hard to know if every fish is a keeper or not. In this case, size definitely matters. If it's a big one, you're going to have to bonk it. If it's a small or medium sized fish that you have mixed feelings about, you may want to consider the heartwarming ritual of catch and release. This ritual is good for both parties; the fish gets to go back into the pond and live its life free and clear and you get the satisfaction of feeling like you haven't forced it to endure torture and eventual filleting.

Bonking is a little bit more complicated and an aggressive approach is encouraged. Women tend to want to bonk less than men. It can be pretty messy so come prepared with some safety gloves and goggles. In the end, you just have to really go for it and give it your all. A couple gentle taps on the head really isn't going to do here, so don't be shy and experiment with different techniques depending on the fish.

6) There are many fish in the sea

Although at times it may not seem like it, there are in fact, many fish in any given pond, lake or ocean. If you're not catching any it could be because of the time of year, your boat, your approach, or the size and shape of your rod. Always bear in mind the image you're portraying to the fish. Is your fly too bright and flashy? Are you using a floating line when you should be using a sinker? Are your friends in the boat too loud and obnoxious?

7) You must lose a fly to catch a trout

In fishing and in life you never get something for nothing. Every angler knows that when you take something from the water, the water usually takes something from you in return. Sometimes it's your flip flop, your fishing knife or your hat but occasionally it will be a possession more serious such as your dignity or your portable Bose speakers. On the other hand, when something great comes into your life (such as a delicious trout) you usually have to give up something smaller in order to attain it (the fly). That's just how the universe works. It's the same reasoning behind fasting, lent and when your friends tell you to dump the guy who is wasting your time. Especially with the new year fast approaching, make some room for your big catch and always remember -- be careful what you fish for!

The 20 guys you'll date in your 20s

2010-10-12T12:32:00.038-07:00

Dating in your 20s is a wonderful learning experience during which you get to meet, dine with and possibly date a wide variety of interesting and wonderful men. If you haven't, it's because you've settled for your university sweetheart, no offense. Because we've all seen Sex and the City seasons 1-6 over 45 times and He's Just Not That Into You just isn't a philosophy we prescribe to, we've come up with an extensive guide to dating in your 20s. At the risk of alienating every guy we've ever dated, we present to you our list of the 20 guys you'll date in your 20s and what to expect. Enjoy.

The Artist

You'll meet the Artist at a gallery opening where his perfectly tousled hair is gently concealing the fact that he hasn’t showered in three days. You imagine touching his meaningful tattoos, his paintings are actually really good, he ‘gets you’, he’s sensitive, he promises to paint/photograph you. Next thing you know you’re posing in your underwear in his studio/loft conversion. Hook, line and paint-her.

Cons: Just face it – he smells. He wants to spend long periods of time eye-gazing and talking about feelings. He’s broke. He uses words like ‘transcendence’ and ‘caveat’. He has a legitimate excuse to hang out around naked women all day. His idea of a suit is a corduroy blazer. He listens to really depressing music, although if you like Bon Iver and/or songs about suicide and abortion, I guess this is a pro.

Advice: The nude photo shoot you thought was a good idea when you were 19, RARELY IS. Five to seven years later when he sends you a 16 x 40 collage of your breasts, you’ll know what I mean.

The Doctor

Doctors are extremely tempting to date because on top of being able to prescribe any medication you want, they’ll do adorable things like check your pulse when you’re making out and they really do understand a woman’s anatomy. They are also really interesting to talk to, make a good living and tend to be borderline alcoholics, which means you get to drink the expensive wine, and a lot of it.

Cons: Doctors are nerds. Don’t be fooled by the rich, handsome doctor appeal, this is the exact same four-eyes science geek whose chemistry homework you copied in high school. He thinks that liking the Red Hot Chili Peppers makes him cool. He can be boring and too pragmatic and even if he tells you otherwise -- he has absolutely looked up your provincial medical file before the second date.

The Hipster

You’ll be drawn to The Hipster because of his sweet vintage boat shoes, great taste in music no-one has ever heard of and wacky (fake) glasses. His pretentious attitude will make you feel like you’re the only person in the world he can stand and this will make you feel superior, fleetingly.

Once the PBR buzz wears off you’ll realize you’re sitting in a really shitty bar with no windows, drinking the cheapest beer, surrounded by 30 people who are all wearing the same fucking plaid shirt and stupid glasses, talking about ways to like Sufjan Stevens even though he’s religious, and comparing ‘no I hated art school more’ stories.

How to dump him: Tell him you like the new Katy Perry album. A lot. Which, lets face it, you do.

The Professional Gambler

The '"lucky in cards, unlucky in love” adage is painfully true, so there’s really no upside here. Dating these guys is an emotional roller-coaster that goes up and down with the spreads on wagerline.com. Their idea of a romantic night in is having you over to watch World Series of Poker til 2 a.m. Over-under on this relationship is about four dates.

Best case scenario: The guy takes you to Vegas or Atlantic City where he ignores you to play craps (the “best odds”) for literally HOURS ON END while you drink the free watered down vodka sodas a woman in a metallic bustier and nude tights brings you every time you get close to seeing the bottom of your glass. The best way to get through this is to get gifted a few hundo in chips and try your luck at the poker table. You may wind up getting really fucking good at poker, which will emasculate him in the short term but payout eventually when you dominate poker nights with other guys at future charity events.

Worst-case scenario: This guy will be addicted to online sports betting and bet on everything from horses to hockey to baseball to European futbol. The mood of your dates will be 100% determined by his balance on bodog.com, which fluctuates constantly while he indiscreetly checks scores on his iPhone throughout the entire meal. Risks he is not prepared to take include going “all in” on one woman so you can be sure he’s hedged his bets with some sure things on the side.

Advice: Never turn down an opportunity to go to the horse races, betting is pretty fun when you don't have a debilitating gambling addiction, but cash in while you’re up, the house always wins.

The Lead Singer of a Band

There is little-to-no way around the fact that this is a one-night stand. Depending on how famous he is, this can be a real thrill and once your coke hangover wears off, your ego will be soaring. If for some reason you manage to actually date a lead singer, keep in mind that "LSB" also refers to the extreme narcissism personality disorder associated with all such individuals and extreme caution (read: condoms) should be used at all times.

Pros: He’s really fucking hot, he’s famous, every girl in the room will be drooling when you leave in his limo and it’s a great story to tell. He will immortalize you in ballads that will make you swoon/cringe. Sometimes you get to make out with him on stage.

Cons: Musicians tend to be really unstable drug addicts with major psychological issues. If you don’t believe me just wait until it’s 7 a.m. and your once hot and charming musician guy is now crying naked, chain smoking and doing lines off the Much Music Video Award he won last year talking about how nobody cares about him now that he’s rich and famous.

He also doesn't believe in sheets, and when you sleepover (only known as ‘crashing’ from now on) his roomate/bassplayer will steal money from you to buy heroin. He will have a pretty disturbing pectoral tattoo. At some point he will lose interest as quickly as he became obsessed with you and stop returning your calls. This may also be because he was too broke to pay his phone bills so don't take it personally.

The Frat Guy

You’ll fall for the frat guy because in addition to being good looking, athletic, and fake tanned, he’s also pretty funny. Something about engaging in nauseating Greek traditions, womanizing and homoerotic dress up activities makes this guy super fun.

Cons: He secretly wishes he was gay/you were in a sorority. He wears terrible clothes emblazoned with his frat logo, he’s a womanizer, he probably has an STD, he lives in a shitty frat house, his sheets smell, he genuinely prefers the company of men to women. In a couple years he'll become The Real Estate Guy.

The Real Estate Guy

There are two things in common with all Real Estate Guys; they all like scotch and they all work on commission. You can always tell how well a Real Estate Guy is doing in business by the type of scotch he has in his liquor cabinet. Get him at a bad month and he's drinking Johnny Walker Red out of a paper cup. Catch him at a good time and you're both drinking Blue Label and Macallan 25 out of the good crystal.

The same goes for all aspects of his life. Sometimes he's up and sometimes he's down. This constant teeter totter means that he can be spontaneous and a little all over the place. So don’t think when your honey shows up with a new Ducati after a normal Friday that he’s been saving up for that for months. In reality, he just closed a deal and got a monster commission. It doesn’t need to be said that he's impulsive and willing to spend a lot of money to prove it. If you like excitement, the Real Estate Guy is a great call. On top of being charming and fun, he is charismatic, has a winning smile (as evidenced on his cheesy business cards and bus stop advertisements), and knows all the good restaurants in town.

On the downside, he has slept with most of the waitresses at Cactus Club, so unless you are one, you might want to consider how much you love the Bandara Salad before going out with him. When you break up you have to deal with seeing his fucking name plastered outside every vacant property in the city.

Because in business he has to have more than one property on the go at all times, he's transferred this philosophy to dating and he will always have a couple girls on the back burner that he's negotiating deals with. For both reasons, he's addicted to his Blackberry. Even if Megan Fox was in his living room holding a suitcase full of cash telling him that Bill Simmons is in the other room talking to God himself, he would not give it up. And it’s password protected, just like his computer, and the password is I AM AFRAID OF COMMITMENT.

The Young Guy

In your later 20s you will change some of your policies on dating teenagers due to disillusionment with the above individuals.

The Young Guy is adorably unaware of the typical emotional witholding we have become accustomed to and later realize is actually a good thing when he texts you short essays on his feelings/your lack of feelings five plus times per day.

What the Young Guy boasts in terms of sexual vigor and enthusiasm he lacks in experience, so be prepared for a lot of female anatomy lessons in the bedroom. Because of his endearingly earnest adoration you will overlook redflags such as making you a painting entitled "Diagonal Sunset with Black Roses" or having a giant back tattoo of a coiled boa constrictor which upon first incredulous glimpse you will utter, for the first time in your entire life, the phrase: "please be back hair."

The Old Guy

You don't have to "wish" for backhair here since that is pretty much guaranteed. In much the same way that the under 22s were off limits, eventually you will also open up your "heart" to the Old Guy. In contrast to Young Guy, these men are very low maintenance because they've seen it all before/are probably dating three other twenty somethings in addition to having kids and an ex wife.

Pros: He is pretty interesting, the shocked looks on restaurant patrons make you feel young and rebellious again, you get to wake up in posh hotels and order room service in the morning or if you stay at his place, his maid makes you eggs and discretely folds the lingerie you left strewn on the steps on the way in. So you get to feel pretty dignified.

Cons: Viagra is no longer a recreational part of your life anymore but rather a nightly necessity. He's had a vasectomy so if you were to get serious your only chance of procreating are the preserved sperm popsicles in the back of the freezer.

The Surfer Dude

Also known as The Unemployed Guy, this guy is tanned, buff and is suuuuuuuper chiiiill bro! You will date him because all those pop ups make for the abs of a male Adonis; he's into yoga, Wes Anderson movies, Jack Johnson and thinks peanut butter banana burritos are an appropriate dinner food. Obviously he is always stoned.

Hanging out with him is similar to taking an Ativan. His presence is calming and he will make you feel good about yourself. You feel like you can confide in him because he’s a good listener. Did I mention he’s tanned?

Cons: He’s not a good listener, he’s just really really really dumb. By the age of 30 his tan has turned into skin cancer and he has lots of gross wrinkles. You’ll have to put up with him going to Cooooosta twice a year and when he’s not in Coooooosta he’s talking about how amazing Cooooosta is.

The promises of "teaching you to surf" where you envisioned a Blue Crush-esque scenario involving Michelle Rodriguez and a dog on a surfboard, will actually consist of you getting slammed by waves until you wash up on the shore two miles away from your bikini top. He will abandon you every time it's double overhead so be ready to spend the day trying to discretely get sand out of your vagina whilst trying to look like a seductive siren tempting him ashore.

You will also see fluids come out of neat places, like when he casually pees in front of you at the beach and it comes out of the ankle of his wetsuit, and in bed when latent seawater leaks from his sinuses onto the sheets in the middle of the night. FYI you'll spend a fortune on fake tanning to match his year-round glow.

How to dump him: Next time he goes to Tofino to spend eight hours wearing a hooded wetsuit to catch one or two waves in the freezing fucking rain and eat whole wheat vegetarian pizza after, throw on your Canucks jersey and head to a sports bar, where you’ll meet The Former Jock Now Sports Fan.

The Former Jock Now Sports Fan

The Former Jock Now Sports Fan is easy to spot. Maybe he’s busted both his ears playing rugby, has a telltale wacky nose from playing intramural hockey, or just has a great body. In short, any guy who is at least six feet tall and is rocking a busted face or is wearing a (duh!) jersey are all good signs you’ve found The Former Jock Now Sports Fan.

Pros: If you like watching sports then you’ll always have someone to watch the games with. He is an encyclopedia of sports knowledge and you can learn a lot from him and then use his lines/opinions to impress other guys. In extremely rare cases you might find one that has seasons hockey tickets, although if this ever happens, chances are he’s the dreaded Spoiled Trust Fund Guy and that’s a whole other story.

Cons: You have to watch sports every single god damn night. He doesn’t drink wine. Sometimes he’s a bit out to lunch and you can’t quite place why – it’s because he has had at least three concussions and has subsequent brain damage. He secretly wants to marry an athletic woman so that his kids will be good at sports. He genuinely loves hot wings.

The Spoiled Trust Fund Guy

You met him at a charity event. He has 17 pastel polo shirts. His teeth are sparkling white. He plays golf in sweater vests. He went to private school then did four to five degrees because his parents could afford it and he hated the idea of giving up spending summers abroad. His mother drinks more chardonnay than you do. He has a tennis court in his backyard, a stable and a pool. At first you think you’ve hit the jackpot.

After the initial couple boat rides wear off, you’ll realize that this guy still lives in his parents basement, country club food sucks and you’re dating a conservative prick who hunts and thinks that reading The Economist makes up for the fact that he doesn’t have a job. While at one of his various summer homes you’ll inevitably realize no amount of gin, monogrammed towels or the good cheese can make up for the fact that you’re dating a spoiled little brat with no real direction in life.

The Finance Guy

The finance guy is the Professional Gambler but with a real job. If you live or have lived in New York this is all you've ever dated, so you probably think all men sleep four hours a night, swear like sailors, drink like fish, smoke like chimneys and do coke like Lindsay Lohan. These are the Frat Guys aged 10 years physically but no more mature emotionally. They still prefer the company of men, are highly competitive and 'get to be' assholes all day on the trading floor. They are alpha males and proud of it. They are pretty smart, ambitious and extremely entitled. They take cocky-funny to a whole new level, and their confidence, hilariousness, ability to look like Don Draper in a suit can be pretty irresistible.

He is in the type of industry where he can actually charge bottle service at a nightclub to his company if he’s ‘with a client’ and this can be fun. If you're dating this guy you're probably pretty used to being among the 4-12 women at a given Finance Guy's table at whatever is currently the hot spot. He'll make sure you catch a glimpse of that $400 price tag on the wine he ordered and cars he sends for you to meet him at the club/Cabo.

Don't forget that just like the stocks he trades and the magnums he buys, you are a commodity, so enjoy dancing on banquettes while you can.

Cons: No matter how fun dancing on a table while a handsome guy pours Grey Goose down your throat is, this guy has one major con. He’s married. He takes his wedding ring off every Thursday night in order to pick up naïve girls like you. Move along.

The Lawyer

This guy gets by on the fact that he works in a noble profession and works really long hours. He’s smart and can make a pointed argument. This can make for some lively conversations, witty banter and you can’t help but respect him. Also, of course, free legal advice.

Just don’t forget that being a lawyer means he either tries to uphold the law or get around it for a living. This means he’s either extremely self-righteous or really good at manipulating situations, probably both. He's always right (obviously) and to drive home this point he'll litter his correspondence with really big words he thinks you won't understand. He works until 10 p.m. We often refer to this guy as the cops/metermaids of the wealthier/slightly smarter crowd.

Advice: If you really want to date a lawyer the only choice you have is to become one yourself. Lawyers only have successfull relationships with other lawyers. Then you can both work until 10 p.m. and spend the rest of your lives judging others. If you're not a lawyer keep in mind that when he says the two of you are not concomitant and calls you a vitriolic bad influence that he must abscond from, he really means that he wants to dump you. Save yourself the trouble of looking up those words in the dictionary and head to your neighbourhood bar for some much needed ego reparation from The Actor/Model (aka The Waiter/Bartender).

The Actor/Model (aka The Waiter/Bartender)

Trying to make this guy like you as much as he likes himself will be pretty much impossible so it’s best not to try. Chances are he’s much better looking than you and considerably less intelligent. You’ll want to take him to places and events where lots of people will see you together but you don’t actually have to have a conversation with him. Nightclubs, movies, and charity events work best.

Pros: He works in a bar or restaurant so that means free drinks! You can traipse in after hours while he does his cash-out and compliment his money counting skills while secretly correcting the math he does wrong. Simple-minded people tend to be pleasant company and if he ever finally gets an acting job, you might meet Robert Pattinson.

Cons: Actors are extremely self-absorbed and their emotions are all over the board because of all the auditions they have to go to/jobs they don't get. If he's ever actually been in a movie, he will make you watch it over and over and over again. Keep in mind that he acts for a living, which means he can lie through his teeth. In fact, he may truly believe that lying is just a daily way that he can practice his craft. Most importantly, dating a guy who has better hair than you is bad for self morale.

The Ad Man

If we've learned anything from Mad Men it's that we shouldn't date guys who work in advertising. I don't need Don Draper to vomit on himself again to know that this isn't a good idea. Still something about men who work in advertising can be pretty exciting. For one they are really good with words, which means they are really good at texting. They are masters of the pitch, which means they make great first impressions. Most importantly they know the difference between manipulation and marketing to a demographic. So while their tactics might seem contrived, at least they care enough to think they've got you all figured out, which of course, they don't.

Cons: One of the only real cons to dating someone who works in advertising is that ever since Mad Men happened, he thinks he's really fucking cool. This has led him to have a bit of an inflated ego. When geeks first realize they might be either cool or really rich, the first stop on their train to awesome is usually to Date a Model. The Ad Man has probably dated a couple, which basically just means that he can stand anorexics and is tall. So no worries there.

The Gamer

There is nothing wrong with dating guys you met online. Some of our friends met their soulmates on dating sites, and just because all of them have since divorced doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy some wonderful caring months as man and wife.

The problem with dating a gamer is his online life is always more important than any possible RL experience. In RL he’s broke, but online his World of Warcraft character has 1M gold. He has no discernable RL work-applicable skill set, but his WoW character has gotten to 70 and can lead parties into instances like a digital Elf version of General Paton. He lives in his grandparents’ basement and takes the bus, but on WoW he has l33t amour, the sword of 1,000 truths and a flying mount.

While at first it seems funny and charming to learn new words, the novelty wears off pretty fast. Make no mistake, Role Playing Game does not connote you dusting off the old high school kilt to these guys. While it’s fun to be the first human girl they’ve touched possibly ever, your relationship is best saved for lol links to memes and authentic-sounding vocab tips for blog posts making fun of them.

The Girl

So there may come a time when men begin to lose their appeal, and whether it’s because someone put MDMA in your drink or you’re just a little bit gay, you’re going to hook up with a woman. The upside to dating a woman is that most men won't consider this cheating, so if you're in a relationship and looking for some excitement on the side, a woman is definitely the way to go. FYI you're going to have to listen to a lot of Katy Perry in order to psych yourself up for this. Pictures may end up online, it may be a black-out blur but you're pretty sure it ruled –- just listen to Katy Perry’s TGIF at this point.

The Good Guy

You will occasionally come across genuinely nice guys who respect you. He loves golden retrievers, he wears khakis and has a great relationship with his mom. He probably even owns property and considers women equal to men. Gasp! He'll usually introduce you to his friends and family within an appropriate amount of time, he doesn't have any weird emotional issues and he genuinely wants a committed relationship.

You'll think he's cool, smart and interesting but because you're emotionally retarded, instead of dating him like a normal person, you will decide he's friend material, lead him on for years until he eventually marries someone else and you realize your “backup” is gone and you are alone. Woops.

The One

We've listened to enough Taylor Swift songs to realize that this guy might exist, and if he does, he might look a lot like Taylor Lautner. Unfortunately that's all we know about him so far and after this blog post he'll likely never date us.

How To Stay Relevant This Summer

2010-06-29T11:52:00.015-07:00

Summer trends are always changing and it's hard to keep up. Here is a quick guide to keep you cooler than Pax Jolie-Pitt this summer.

1) Get a sweet protest related injury:

Most points are awarded if it's a G20 related injury but any sort of protest injury will do. Yesterday I almost got a concussion by accidentally smacking heads with a chick while trying to tweet this photo.
Today I'm sporting a super relevant G20 protest injury on my face. This is not as next level as my co-worker who missed work yesterday because she was in jail but at least I don't have any wrist burns from those poormans plastic handcuffs.

2) Hipster proof your home:

Only play chill wave bro! Beach House, Wavves, Toro Y Moi, Best Coast. Listen while lounging on the back deck wearing Sperry's and drinking pink lemonade (with lavender infused vodka obviously). Invite your friends to bike over on their fixed gears and whip up a pretentious Quinoa salad. Make sure one of your walls has a 'meant to look by accident' cluster of framed rustic/nautical artwork and twigs. Keep a couple vintage Hudson Bay Company blankets in the corner in case any pale hipsters drink too much PBR and passout.
3) Boycott something:
Musicians love to boycott. Kanye, Rage Against the Machine, Massive Attack and others are boycotting the state of Arizona because of their new wacky immigration laws that aren't fair to Mexicans. I support this because my chihuahua is an illegal Mexican immigrant and because North America would be a pretty terrible place to live if we didn't have enchiladas. Other hot boycotts include Elvis Costello boycotting Israel, Rihanna, Jay-Z and Beyonce boycotting the BET Awards because of Chris Brown, and anyone with a soul boycotting BP.

4) Be a sports fan:

Initially liking sports can be really daunting, especially if you don't wear oversized cargo shorts and don't understand the rules. But with the World Cup shoving hot half-naked soccer players down our throats, it's easy for everyone to jump on board. My favourite team? Argentina (because I love Argentinian wine, Buenos Aires, and chimichurri). The buzz is infectious and I'm not just referring to the soothing sounds of Vuvuzelas. So pick a team, do some Vuvuzela Beer Funnels and join in the fun.

Things You Don't Want to Know!

2010-04-07T21:36:00.009-07:00

Sometimes it is not always time to just say "NEXT" as discussed in the previous post. However, there are some topics that might sneak up in a convo with your boyfriend/girlfriend that should be a RED FLAG and avoided at all costs.

These topics will inevitably lead to one of you sleeping on the futon and waking up with a sore back.

So if you want to avoid calling a chiropractor then you should avoid these questions...

1. Is she/he prettier/hotter than me?

Now this one should be a given. No good can ever come from this. It is an age old trap that women use and never want to really hear the truth about. If your girlfriend ever asks you this question avoid:

telling her the girl is hot - it does not matter if it is followed by a quick but you're hotter.
pausing for too long - if you pause for too long she will immediately believe the previous is true and you might be wishing you were wearing a cup.
looking like you are lying - we aren't dumb, we can tell.

My advice would be to go here and have fun at the expense of others.

2. Do you think I'm fat?

Refer to Number 1.

3. How many people have you slept with?

Too few and she knows you are lying, too many and she is going to think you're slutty. If this topic is ever brought up it is better to not even get into it. This is the beginning and possibly the end of many fights to come and you can never win.

4. Am I better than your ex at -----?

It doesn't matter how this question ends it will never be a topic you want to get into. Ever. The ex is an ex for a reason. That is all anyone should need to know. This will never win you points and will always end badly.

and last but not least you should always avoid:

5. Playing "I've Never" with your significant other.

Believe me no good will ever come out of this game when your new boyfriend/girlfriend is the on the receiving end. It doesn't matter how many bottles of Grey Goose, Tanqueray or Tequila you finish!

And if all else fails you can always watch Jerry Seinfeld's new show "The Marriage Ref" and battle it out with each other over OTHER peoples problems!!

Warning Signs

2010-04-07T19:43:00.015-07:00

Amid all the celebrity cheating scandals I've gotten to thinking about deal breakers that come out of nowhere (insert Sandra Bullock/Blind Side bad joke here). I've been in similar situations where you're dating someone for a month, everything is going great, and then BAM!, he shows up to watch a movie in full camo-cargo-pants with a scary matching vest and an orange waffle shirt underneath. OR, you've been dating what you thought was a hipster for 3 months and suddenly there's a federal election and he votes for Stephen Harper. OR you're married to someone for a long ass time and you find out he's sleeping with a tattooed freak and looking a lot like Hitler on Perez.

Because at Green Eggs and Tam we never ever entertain the idea that it might be us, we have to find reasons why it must be them. Here are some warning signs that you should 'NEXT' your current bf/gf/casual encounters flirtation/BBM crush/twitter stalker/chatroulette pervert.

1) He wears 'funky hats'

Let's face it, trendy hats are for balding guys. If I have to see another picture of Kid Carson in a zany hat, I'm going to lose my mind. There is only one thing more unappealing than wearing a lame hat and that is having a low self esteem. It's OK if you're 27 and bald, you can still get laid, you just have to own it.

2) She won't stop talking about her ex

Girls do this for 2 reasons. The first reason is that she thinks it makes her appear date-able. It's the same reason why girls LOVE when they get an invitation to a wedding and it has her boyfriend's name on it too. It's all about validation. If someone else has hit it and loved it, then chances are, someone else will as well. The second reason is to make you jealous. I've experienced this in reverse and it worked, but let me just say, nothing makes a guy signal for the cheque quicker than a gal who still hates her ex. Repeat after me ladies 'he was a great guy, I ended it because he got too needy'. Works everytime.

3) He/she has a stupid tattoo

This is a really hard one, because tattoos in general can be super hot if done right. Unfortunately what feels right in 1996 doesn't always translate to a hot tattoo 14 years later. For instance, the Mad Love soundtrack I bought in Grade 6 is now long gone, but thousands of tramps with butterfly tattoos on their ankles can't say the same. Case and point, barbed wire arm bands. Your lame frosted tips have grown out but you still have an incarceration themed tatt around your roid monkey bicep! Someone with a stupid tattoo is incapable of thinking logically about the future of their life. Simply put, don't date them.

How to Prevent a Bad Day

2010-04-06T23:48:00.008-07:00

I had a bad day today, which means, I don't want to have a bad day tomorrow. There are a couple ways you can mitigate the chance of having 2 bad days in a row such as getting a good night's sleep, working out in the morning (ha!), or taking a bunch of vitamin D. These MIGHT work, but the only 100% foolproof way that I really trust is to google image search baby pandas right before you go to bed.

Getting Older -- it sucks!

2010-04-03T14:20:00.012-07:00

So it has now been one week since my birthday. That means one week since I was last 25. Now I like celebrating my birthday as much as the next girl -- lets be honest I probably like it more -- but this year struck a chord with me.

This year marked the year that I was officially closer to 30 then I am to 20. Now mild heart-attack inducing pain aside -- this wasn't the worst thing that I realized.

Not only was I officially called a "cougar" one too many times for my own liking, but this year a number of things were taken away from me.

We all remember the certain birthdays that had events attached to them...

16 - At the ripe old age of 16 a lot of us took to the roads and caused havoc. Much to my parents dismay I was an awful driver to begin with. Who says that when you shoulder check to see if there is a car beforeyou change lanes that your car shouldn't "naturally" follow your eyes. OOPS - I think my parents got a handful of grey hairs the day I got my license.
18 - At 18 you first got to vote -- or in my case you were legally allowed to vote but have never taken advantage of it (i know, i know, there is no need to send me appalled emails)
19 - At 19 you take your first sip of alcohol -- ok you LEGALLY take your first sip of alcohol. For some the first sip came many years before.
21 - At 21 you take a road trip across the border and proudly display your ID to buy your first legal booze in the USA.
25 - At 25 you officially hit the 'quarter life' mark. For me 25 was my champagne birthday so the champagne fountain helped me forget about that oh so special 'mark.'

So the day before turning 26 I tried to figure out what special 'event' would mark this birthday.

I am a big supporter of extending my birthday into one and two week events. And even on the odd occasion I have been guilty of hijacking my sisters birthday party (her birthday is 3 days after mine) just so mine could be celebrated for longer.

But this year I had a tough time biting the bullet and turning 26. It could be the fact that my parents Club has continually been sending me letters for the past 6 months reminding me of my birthday.

Normally I would take such things as a glowing revue of someone constantly thinking about me -- not too shabby. However this year it was to remind me that I was getting old and as of my birthday I was no longer welcome there.

Apparently "screw you" and "happy birthday" sound the same at 26!

The other such letter I got was that as of my delightful birthday I was no longer covered under my parents medical and dental plan.

Hmmm now many people might not be as heartbroken as me but in case you don't know me that well -- for those that don't I'll fill you in -- I am an accident prone klutz that is probably the only person that always double checks to make sure I have my Care Card on me as well as my ID when I go out.

But I have to admit it hasn't all been bad. Some things really do get better with age.

WINE!

Now there is one thing that is near and dear to my heart that keeps getting better with age. So if my favorite drink just gets better with age it can't all be that bad right?</div>

RIGHT??

Spring Don'ts

2010-04-02T20:57:00.010-07:00

There is a torrential storm happening in Vancouver this weekend. Power is out, West Van Princesses are stranded due to a bridge closure, and it hailed yesterday. Nevertheless spring is on its way, it just seems that its flight has been delayed. In the collective bad mannered jaw-drop heard around spring climates, most men are just happy to see bare legs and skirts again, but it gets a little bit more complicated than that. Before you go rushing out in your open-toed shoes and short-sleeved plaid shirts, keep in mind these SPRING DON'TS.

1) First Sunny Day Sunburn

This usually happens around April 20th. It's the first hot day of the year and everyone wants to get out in the sunshine. In 9th grade we skipped Social Studies and biked to the beach, in University we drank Canadians (ew) on the front lawn of a fraternity house (double ew), and now that we're adults we are probably having a 2.5 hour lunch on a patio emailing our bosses that the dentist is running late. The combination of your sun deprived skin and lowered spf awareness will surely result in a burn. Many people fall victim to this rookie tanning mistake, and I am here to help you. It's time to start wearing sunscreen every day so that when the blessed First Sunny Day happens you will be ready to skip work and drink for hours on a patio without suffering from an embarrassing lobsterfied next day burn. Plus, skin cancer is a major BUZZ KILL.

2) French Manicured Toes (boys skip straight to #3)

This is a common mistake that many women make. I'm not sure why but I think it became popular when acrylic nails had their 15 minutes of fame. PS if you're still wearing acrylic nails, stop reading, this isn't the blog for you. Because it's warmer out, ladies get to wear open-toed shoes and this is really exciting. What ISN'T exciting is looking like you just scored a walk-on role in an episode of Jersey Shore. Skip the french-pedi and just keep it solid, you'll thank me later!

3) Sex With Zeros

It's spring. Animals are mating, the smell of cherry blossoms is making everyone dizzy, people are wearing less clothes. Everyone's first instinct is to get naked with hotties but ladies and gentlemen, take heed. What starts as a healthy lust for picking up babes can quickly turn into a 4am nightmare involving settling to go home with a complete zero because you're fixated on spring fever. Take your time, get a vibrator/whatever the male equivalent is (???), illegally download Nicholas Sparks books turned terrible movies. Save sleeping around for Jesse James and this chick. Take a gamble with some cool spring fashion trends, NOT your genitals. And keep in mind, having standards never goes out of style.

4) Letting Allergies Get You Down

Spring allergies are the worst. Being snotty, tired, and itchy can really hamper all the awesome spring partying. I'm not a doctor or anything but I'm a big fan of medicating/self-medicating. So take a hint and don't be one of those tough guys who just says no to allergy meds. I've been known to have a slight dependency on Nasonex and let me just say that a nice nasal spray coupled with a 24 hour Claritin or four will leave you sneeze free for at least a week. As an added bonus, the combo mixes great with alcohol. So there's that. Enjoy!

4 Commonly Made Texting Mistakes

2010-03-13T17:53:00.009-08:00

1. Texting The Wrong Person

I have lost friends, boyfriends, and jobs making this mistake. One time I texted my roommate while we were sitting in the living room together 'omg I can't stand my roommate'. She moved out the next week...actually she left the country. My personal favourite however was when I texted a guy I was dating 'omg the love of my life has been rubbing up against me all Superbowl, I think tonight is THE night'. Woops.

2. When Old People Text

I don't know why this is but old people sound creepy when they text no matter what they say. Actually maybe I do know why. It's because the words 'R U coming 2 R house 2nite ;)' said by a middle aged man makes him sound like a child molesting pervert. Old people don't understand that using texting shortcuts should be saved for tweens and ironic hipsters. Next time you want to let me know it was 'Good 2 C U 2', just spell it out.

3. Mistakenly Texting A Landline

One night my brother borrowed my mom's car and went out with his much younger girlfriend. After what was clearly a night of extreme partying, she accidentally sent this exact text to my mom's landline: 'You better get your car out of the ditch before my dad sees! I found your underwear by the hot tub. Hahaha'. If you've ever heard the terrifying robot who recites texts to landlines you understand why this is so bad. My mom nearly collapsed as the robot cackled out the 'hahaha'.

4. Next Morning Apologies For Drunken Texting

The only thing worse than an unanswered drunken 2am 'do you want to meet up!' text is the 'was going through my phone this morning and saw i texted you. boy was i drunk lol' morning after apology text. We all know you staggered to Fritz and ate an XL poutine hoping for a text back. We all know you woke up embarrassed and alone. This is why I always always always delete my BBM's after a night of drinking. Hangovers are hard enough without having to read that you texted someone 'i'm spring break drunk in the VIP at Tonic, return of the mac just came on, come grind with me!'

Women & Men/Babes & Bros

2010-03-09T19:29:00.013-08:00

It was International Women's Day yesterday and some of my feminist friends were blowing up my gchat about things like women's body issues, patriarchy, and eyebrow design. Most of my responses ranged from 'do you think David Guetta looks like Owen Wilson?' to 'I get brazilians for ME'. My friends angrily signed off with steaming emoticons and 'I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FEMINIST!!!??'.

Well, as it turns out, it's not that I don't consider myself a feminist or that I don't care about women's issues. I am just going through a strange phase that for the record is not routed in lesbianism but has been misconstrued as such, particularly by my grandmother. I prefer men's cologne, I wear men's plaid shirts, I like baseball, and I read men's magazines.

In fact, I was reading a pretty useful article in Esquire called How to Save (and Spend) Money at Any Age when I had a breakthrough. In my age bracket it lists my main expenditures as:

Rent
Cable
Clothes
Attending weddings
Football pool
Esquire subscription
Sandwiches

So true! Feeling ambitious I clicked on over to Cosmopolitan to see if I could find a different but equal article that factored in white wine and scented body lotion. I was sort of surprised to find no such article. I was however able to read all about Bizarre Boob Behaviour and The Top 5 Mortifying Things He Tells His Buddies about me.

Being extremely scientific and bored of live tweeting my afternoon, I decided to perform an exciting experiment.

The Challenge: Details VS Elle

Process:

10 minutes on each site followed by an extremely subjective discussion of learning outcomes.

Observations:

Details
I took the quiz 'Are you a giant tool?'. I learned I was in fact a giant tool for liking Grizzly Bear, owning a Moleskine and taking in my ties. I felt drawn in and excited by all the pictures and interactive articles. I almost had a seizure over the article about asperger's becoming a hot new hilarious insult because I've been saying that for months. I learned that skinny jeans can be a health hazard because they cut off circulation. #Fascinating.

Elle
I read an article about a young female investment banker who had sex with her gross boss and lost her job. I reverse-lol'd through a really boring article about a woman who couldn't find romance and finally settled for a guy she wasn't really attracted to. I felt mildly inadequate by all the pictures of sad looking models. I read about how a frenemy can inspire me to lose weight and dump my fat couch-surfing bf. #NeedProzac

Conclusions:

According to the Globe and Mail Canadian Women are closing in on the gender gap slower than the ladies of Mongolia. Maybe that is because Mongolian babes don't spend millions of dollars a year reading articles such as PDA Moves He's Actually OK With (the ass grab, shocker) and Does He Masturbate Too Much. Do Mongolian magazines have quizzes such as What Your Goat Herd Says About Your Dating Style or articles about How To Avoid Getting Yurt In A Breakup? Something tells me no.

2010 Olympic Spring Games

2010-02-06T21:06:00.007-08:00

The Opening Ceremonies are officially 6 days away. But my my social life, what little BCIT has left me with that is, is officially put on the back burner as of Monday February 8th when OBSV takes the portion that remains.

As millions of people start to descend onto the city that we like to think of as our little secret town, I decided that I would get my tired ass in gear and join in the celebration. This city is going to play host to a number of amazing events throughout the month of February.

First things first. As a Broadcast Journalism Student at BCIT I clearly have a passion for the television and media industry. And what better time to meet my idols and news celebrities then when they will all be infilrating the city that I live in!

As they like to play on the Today show - Where in the World is Matt Lauer?!?! .... well he'll be right here!!! At the NBC headquarters at the top of grouse! I'll be honest... I have never done the Grouse Grind. Ever. But if it would get me to Matt Lauer I just may do it!

Who am I kidding - I would take the Gondola and meet you suckers at the top for a glass of Pinot Gris!

And if you're like me and climbing isn't your thing you may want to try out the zipline that Ziptrek Ecotours has put up at Robson Square. BC Premier Gordan Campbell to a break from a tough day to test it out. Unfortunately his run stopped a little short - just like his Olympic promises.

If gliding through the skies isn't your thing either you may want to head over to Canada's Olympic Pavillion tent on Georgia and Beatty street. It cost $10 million and will be unveiled on February 13th. The second day of the 2010 Olympics. You can go down and grab a be.... wait... nevermind... no one is really sure what you will be able to do there yet since nobody has been let inside or given a preview!

But regardless of how you feel about the Olympics coming to Vancouver it is going to be an amazing city to be in once the Games begin and personally I am very excited to be involved! So I hope that everyone in Vancouver is ready to welcome the world - cause Green Eggs and Tam are ready too.

And with the lack of snow on the mountains, that we all know VANOC has been worried about, unless the temperatures start to drop over the next week, we are all going to be saying...

WELCOME TO THE VANCOUVER 2010 OLYMPIC SPRING GAMES!

The Worst Day of The Year

2010-02-05T11:53:00.020-08:00

The countdown is here. only a couple days left. No matter how much you complain you cannot stop it. And no, I'm not talking about that thing that's happening that I'm tired of talking about, Valentine's Day is just over a week away!!!!!!!!!

Last Valentine's day I felt like I was starring in a Seth Green movie called 'Failing at Life'. I got dumped, drank no less than 1-3 bottles of champagne on a rugby field in what some called 'an embarrassing display', got asked out by a drug dealer while crying, and found out my ex went on our V-Day vacation I planned with his male roommate who then posted a Facebook album of it. Skip ahead 356 days and I've come a long way. I let the drug dealer down easy that same night and have dated some really lovely men such as The Argentinian Serial Killer, The Abortionist, and The Guy Who Wouldn't Let Me Order For Myself, ever. However, oddly enough the prospect of this horrible day still has me reaching for a sedative every time I think about it. So I have come up with a few tips to get you through the day.

The Green Eggs and Tam Valentine's Day Survival Guide for Singles/People Who Hate Their BF or GF

1. Make sure you have a plan. Even if the plan is 'lay face down on the couch watching Friday Night Lights reruns and play the Tim Riggins Drinking Game' (more on this later). Make a plan, and stick to it.

2. If you're in a relationship, be sensitive to your single friends, and don't brag about the flowers/proposal/condo your rich significant other gave you. Just remember you could be drunk on a rugby field next Valentine's Day and would you want romantic cliches involving Barolo at Il Giardino shoved down your throat? No.

3. Makeout with a celebrity. This one can be a bit tricky so you can always settle for a hot guy in a band or one of the guys from The Buried Life . Just tell them you need to help some inner city black kids before you die and then go in for the kiss.

I personally will be doing #1. It's easy. Every time Tim drinks, you drink. Every time Tim scores a TD, you drink. Every time Tim has sex, you drink. Every time Tim wears plaid, you drink. In a couple episodes you'll be ready to go online and stalk hotties, make fun of your ex's band/profession/new bf or gf/whatever, and send derogatory anti-love tweets. Enjoy!

2010-01-15T20:51:00.011-08:00

Guide to Living with your Parents in your Late 20's

Something weird happened to me just before New Years and I decided to take a long and hard look at my finances. Turns out, I realized that it may be worth it to sacrifice having an adult life/romantic relationship/sanity in order to save up some cash. This has never happened to me. I moved out when I was 18 and have since terrorized the landlords of Vancouver and never learned to cook anything other than elaborate stews and lasagna (one version of each).

As of last Sunday I have moved in with my father...heretofore referred to as my new roommate.

First of all there are many perks to living at home, as half of my friend base can attest to.

1) Free Everything. Seriously, food, cable, internet, laundry, soap, WINE, q-tips. Everything you could ever need is free and at your disposal and you can piggyback basically every meal whether they are cooking at home or going out for dinner.

2) Things are nicer. Marble countertops, a 100 inch, plush towels, weird art that I don't really like.

3) My roommate likes my dog. He leaves me thoughtful notes detailing Fin's every bowel movement throughout the day: 'pee and only small poo at noon' (not even joking)

4) Cleaning crew. My roomie is OCD about cleaning. Today before I left at 7am for BCIT, I made my bed to be agreeable. When I came home it was REMADE... to look cleaner.

And now for...

1) No Privacy. When you're a teen it's all about privacy. My best friend has many a journal entry with 'FUCK DAD' written in scribbly letters that we still laugh about to this day. But now that I'm 26 and theoretically smarter, I've decided that full disclosure is the only way to go. Otherwise they will ask questions until I throw one of their ugly Inuit carvings out the window. I tell them every plan I have for the day, this way they are relaxed, and I don't have to answer 20 questions every time I walk in the door.

2) Kiss goodbye kissing. I wonder if Taylor Swift knew at fifteen that in 10 years most guys she likes will still live with their parents. Now that I've joined that demographic, I'm faced with a different challenge. Older dudes don't want to date grown women who still live at home. It's a double edged light saber!!

3) Everything. It's not the greatest. But the benefits outweigh the costs just slightly. Plus, parents really like it and middle aged people are weird so I'm happy to help them out. Also of course, it's only temporary...just like Stephen Harper proroguing government.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-13T13:20:00.002-08:00

As much as I am against New Year's Eve and the misery that tends to end up surrounding it every year, I have to say that this year was one of the best. So as I sat at brunch on January 1, 2010 it only felt "right" to try to come up with a few 'improvements' for the start of the new year. After all, New Year's resolutions are far easier to make then they are to keep right?!

So as we are officially past the one week mark of 2010 and most of my resolutions or 'improvements' have already gone way-side, I figured posting them might make a difference and kick my butt into gear.

I will not be so dependent on my Blackberry.

I love my Blackberry. It is not often that I go anywhere without my Blackberry. If you know me you know that it is never really all that far from my side - regardless of how much this bothers my mother, sister or pretty much everyone that knows me.

I'm pretty sure that my sister even has nightmares about all of the different dinging sounds that come from my phone everytime she is around me. To me these sounds are like a wonderful symphony...

First week into 2010 and so far so good with this one. I often have my phone on - god forbid - SILENT and often have resorted to just plain turning it off throughout the day and and night. Those of you who know me know that this is a HUGE step.

Check back in T-2 weeks for the following: "Couldn't do it, phone is on, right beside me and that's the way I like it." Sorry resolution gods... this one is bound to fail me.

Have more patience.

Patience definately is not one of my strong points. I'm an instant gratification type girl. Not sure how but I think somewhere I have to be able to blame my parents for this... after all I am a result of the two of them so it has to be from them somehow, right?

So far, so good. For example, I think I showed lots of patience by not yelling at my dog Scamper as she carried my brothers' shoe around the house and slowly ate it. Instead I sat back and I let her "work her inner anger out for herself." I'm not sure this is what HE would have wanted but it showed phenomenal restraint on my part to just ignore it and move on.

Now if it were one of my shoes... she would have had a serious talkin' to.

Buy less useless stuff.

I am a HUGE fan of the infomercial -- Shamwow what! -- and I get suckered in everytime. The ultimate chopper, the shamwow, the magic bullet... all bought on whims and most never get used.

I am also a huge sucker for marketing gimmicks. I am a Marketers dream. If it comes with something free I WILL buy it. I know that I get this from my mother. If it is miniature, lights up, moves or sings she will buy it. I even bought a random kind of alcohol because it had a free mini flask attached to it (when you ever need to carry less than 1 ounce of booze is beyond me?!?).

However, I knew the low point was when I bought a headband with a feather rim on it. I put it on and my dad asked 'Why would you ever want to wear a weird bird on your head?" That was only after he stopped laughing long enough to finally get the words out.

Point taken. Stop buying useless crap. So far, still on track!

So 2 weeks in and the resolutions are slowly starting to fade. But as one of my classmates told me today: "2.5 weeks is the cut off to make and break resolutions."

My Great Great Grandmother Was A Norwegian Gyspy

2010-01-11T21:58:00.019-08:00

Yesterday was just a regular Sunday morning for me, and as usual I was 'watching' football and googling Dan Mangan when I came across http://www.blogger.com/www.vancouverisawesome.com. In an interview they asked Dan 'In what neighbourhoods of Vancouver have you lived during your lifetime and what did you like the most about each of them?'.
Dan has lived in 4 neighbourhoods. I thought this would be fun for me to do until I started to do it and realized I've lived in 19 different neighbourhoods in my life!!!

I really struggled with whether to continue writing in the fear that I would expose myself as being mentally unstable/a nomadic maniac/a terrible roommate. But then I realized, anyone who already likes me, probably knows most of these things are true already. As for people who don't like me, well...god bless and click here.

For the Coles Notes version of my answer, I've created a list that lumps similar locations together. And for the sake of currency I will only include places I have lived since the greatest day of my life when I moved out of my parent's house at 18 years old (more on the irony of this later).

1. The Presidio, San Francisco 2001

Not a Vancouver neighbourhood but still relevant. The best thing about this hood was its proximity to Crissy Field (above) and the corner store on Chestnut Street that never ID'd me for beer and carried my art school approved edgy American Spirits.

2. St. Urbain & Prince Arthur, Montreal 2002-2004

A lovely apartment that boasted an actual hole in the floor, homeless people in the lobby, and a leaking roof that could quench the thirst of the Sahara Desert. I loved how cheap the rent was so I could afford dinners at Sofia and Buonanotte (hot in 2003) and dye my hair blond and pink (swear to god).

2. 5th and Collingwood - 2004

I lived here with 2 frat guys. Needless to say it ended badly, but I loved how quickly homeless people collected our vast supply of empties and eating at Aphrodite Cafe for delicious organic coffee and really good Mushroom Quiche (sounds gross but it's really good if you're willing to wait an hour for it).

3. Seymour and Robson - 2005

I found the opposite of a frat guy and moved in with her. We went to Caprice every night and hung out in Yaletown every day. Keep in mind it was still totally acceptable to wear tight black flared pants and I still had a belly button piercing.

4. Seymour and Nelson - 2006-2007

The 2.0 version of my last place, I moved into a loft just a block away that was literally right behind the Roxy. I quickly found out the back door of the Roxy lead right to my apartment, and would make exits accordingly. Also the convenience store downstairs was called 'Foodness'.

5. UBC - 2007

This is where I fell in love with commuting, taking the bus, and riding on the back of motorcycles (something I explored further while hitchhiking in Costa Rica last summer).

6. Kerrisdale - 2007

Note: There is nothing good about living in Kerrisdale. It is the place where uptight people literally go to die. Plus there are lots of coyotes (natural predator of my chihuahua), it's close to Marpole, and metal thieves steal copper wire from the railroad tracks.

7. 3rd and Larch - 2008-2009

The only problem with Kits is that there are too many people running by you in Lululemon while you smoke and drink on your front porch. Otherwise it's really great...and Market Meats will sell you the best rack of lamb you've ever had if you're willing to pay about $70 for it (which I will be in about a year). This house had a wood burning fireplace, rain showers and my 2 bff's. I'll end my nomadic tale here... xoxo

New Year's Eve is Over-rated

2009-12-29T15:50:00.011-08:00

The first day of a new year always brings with it the chance to start clean, reboot, shake up the Etch-A-Sketch in your mind and get things moving. However, the last day of the year always brings with it one last conundrum before you can make that fresh start - "Is it really worth going out on New Year's Eve???"

The drinks, the outfit, the guy, the kiss at midnight - a promise of perfection that is hardly ever filled.

I don't think that there is a single night of the year that has a bigger build-up and expectation behind it than that of New Year's Eve... possibly Valentine's Day, but I still think New Year's wins out.

I'm not trying to sound all Debbie Downer over here but lets get serious for a minute. Who really wants to pay $100 to walk through a door at a bar. No drinks, no food, no promise of some handsome hunk carrying you back out that door... just to simply walk in.

If that ticket includes that elusive promise of 'all you can drink' you may think its a steal. However, you'll probably be fighting off micro-mini dress wearing girls in sky-high heels that are stepping on your toes (sorry in advance from me and my friends) to make your way to that ONE bar in the corner to get your drink. Good luck waiting in line for the next one!!

New Year's Eve is a night that shoulders huge expectations for new beginnings, restitution, sometimes salvation, but always ends without the explosive bang - except for the one year as I watched a girl get dragged out by her hair by another party-goer.

It never fails that the week before New Year's everyone is trying to figure out their last minute plan for the evening. Whether or not that entails staying home with a few friends, throwing a party, going to a club or heading out its always a last minute scramble.

But the hype and the assured heartbreak of another New Year's is never enough to say "nope not this year." At least not yet. Another year, another outfit, another kiss and hopefully another shot at a perfect New Year's Eve.

So in a few days as you all raise your bottles of bubbles with friends at the bar or while watching the ball drop in Times Square on your TV ---- join with me and make your New Year's resolution to leave the hatred of the night behind you.

Besides which... loathing is soooo 2009.

I Heart 2010

2009-12-15T21:19:00.016-08:00

No offense to 2009 but I'm pretty happy that it's over. In 2 weeks we’ll all get dressed up, makeout with strangers, and write lame cliched resolutions in our diaries. Then it will be 2010, year of the Olympics, year of a new century, year that Taylor Lautner turns 18 and I can legally hook up with him.

With all the hype surrounding it, naturally I've been thinking a lot about how 2010 is going to affect the things that are most important to me.

Reality TV

2009 was all about shows like The Hills and The City. People thought they were too superficial, not realistic, and grew tired of watching attractive rich kids date each other.

Enter Jersey Shore. 2010 knows that people really want to watch a group of Ed Hardy wearing freaks who spent the last 20 years of their lives confined to a tanning bed try and hook up with/kill each other.

Money

2009 brought The Recession and everybody was broke or pretended to be. Goodbye open bar company X-mas parties, hello BYO pizza lunch in the boardroom. Hipsters stopped splurging on haircuts and razors, I quit smoking and half my friends moved back in with their parents.

In 2010 The Recession is over and all we have to worry about is paying higher taxes because Translink forgot to budget for the Canada Line and some moron thinks Willy Pickton needs a re-trial. But lucky for me, I won’t be crying about paying triple tax on parking because I’ll be so busy doing things like buying clothes again, eating lobster and ordering novelty bobbleheads online that I won’t even notice the HST is ruining my life and the life of Bill Vander Zalm.

Work

In 2009 we were all unemployed or afraid of getting laid off. Companies stopped hiring and speakers who came to class said things like ‘do Journalism as a hobby’.

In 2010 we all have jobs with the Olympics, we just won’t be able to get to them because of all the road closures.

Music

In 2009 I listened to songs that made me want to jump off a building. Anytime I heard Bon Iver, usually in hipster Gastown clothing stores, I would cry and then feel obliged to buy an antler key-chain or more plaid. Just when I was coming out of the Bon Iver depression era, Dan Mangan came into my life and showed me what a real meltdown was.

In 2010 I’m going to be more open about my love for Party in the USA and eagerly await the new album from MGMT titled 'Do More Cocaine'. Speaking of which, since Courtney Love can't even raise poor little Frances Bean, makes sense for her to drop another album as well.

Looks like 2010 has lots of great things in store for us!

Bust Out The Adderall: It's Exam Week

2009-12-02T21:27:00.010-08:00

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Everything we have worked for as students these last 3 months is coming to a culmination of stress, tears, piles of notes, and editing in a dark room with cheesy Third Eye Blind songs being added to our movies.

I don't think I've ever sent or received so many 'sorry for being a bitch' text messages, eaten so much chocolate or ever seriously considered that time watching Gossip Girl could have been better spent studying. It has been a struggle, and not only becauseTiger Woods has drastically overshadowed my own personal drama, but because I find myself cracking under the pressure in the most surprising of ways.

1. Turning down dates. I never, ever, in my life, turn down the chance to drink wine and talk about myself for 1.5 hours in the ritual that constitutes a first date. As long as you are funny, smart, handsome, and can pull off pastels, I usually accept.

2. Yelling slanderous expletives at my dog. My dog is not perfect, no one is. He likes to test himself to see how many times he can bark in one minute (his current record is 100), acknowledge what I say but never obey it, and (he'll kill me for saying this) eat cat poo. But I generally defend everything he does to the full extent of my vocabulary because he's funny, smart, handsome and can pull off pastels with flying colours. Today I found myself calling him 'a pretentious fucking asshole' in public and I knew I had really lost it.

3. Eating only carbs. Sometimes when you're studying the fastest thing to eat is buttered noodles. A meal generally saved for geriatrics and 4 year olds, with enough salt and pepper, some pre-cooked Safeway chicken and a dash of olive oil, don't tell Nigella Lawson, but you've made yourself an OK meal .

Quick Update on number 2: My dog literally just vomited ON MY BED. He is obviously feeling the stress too. I feel guilty now.

4. Buying BC Wine. My friend Alicia texted me at the beginning of the recession 'it must be a recession, I just bought BC wine'. And it's true, honestly, I usually stick to Napa, Chile, New Zealand and the odd Blasted Church but the guy at the wine store complimented me on my hair colour and something came over me. I bought 2 bottles from BC and I have to say...this Saturna's Vintners Select Pinot Noir is pretty good.

So in between trying to understand how studying and wine go together, I'll leave you with this. It's exam week and everyone, including my dog, is losing their mind. Just remember at the end of it all, you'll have some varying marks, a bit of bad skin, a great excuse to party, and a big sense of accomplishment. That sounded cheesy. Shit. Cue the Third Eye Blind. Watch an emotionally intense Anime cartoon set to Deep Inside Of You HERE.

Technology is Killing Romance

2009-11-22T11:07:00.014-08:00

Chivalry is dead - technology killed it.

Rather than send a greeting card we send a text. Why open the car door for your lady when you can click the remote? Dinner and a movie date night is now pizza and On-Demand at home.

Between Facebook, instant messaging and text, the way people communicate, meet and form relationships has changed. Drastically. It's ugly, dangerous and likely to leave both parties scheming to destroy each other.

As technology continues to advance, we are getting more impatient and lazy when it comes to romance.

It is virtually impossible to escape calls, emails and messages. We are accessible 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Now we can see exactly when our messages are sent and even precisely when they are read. (Thanks to the genius over at RIM for that one!)

A recent Virgin Mobile survey found that 40% of Canadians would rather be without their partner for a week than without their cell phone.

It also found that more than half of the people asked would rather hold their cell phone than their partner's hand. Then we move into the virtual world.

Thanks to Facebook, the days of blind dating are over. Instead of putting the time, thought and effort into a love letter, guys now use these networking sites to "friend" a girl and send her a quick wall post.

How unromantic.

It takes away from the mystery and awkwardness of getting to know someone. There is no longer a need for a formal date (remember the kind where he picks you up and brings you flowers) because you have all of the person's information at the touch of your fingers.

Want to know what they look like? Check out their album. When is their birthday? Take a quick look at their profile. Where were they Friday night? Creep on their status updates.

Technology is slowly killing romance. It's draining the courting out of the courtship. And quite frankly, I'm just about ready to hit "delete" on the whole thing.

But when the power goes out and your cell battery dies, who are you going to talk to?

After the Final Rose: Gailus Withdrawal, The Torch, Olympic Aftermath

2009-11-18T22:00:00.006-08:00

Since Chris Has Been Gone, it has been hard to picture a world without him. Much like the anticipation of the Vancouver games, the blogged about countdown to Chris Gailus was intense, full of emotional highs and lows, and not without criticism.

Highlights of the event include: The Tear Up - he actually got choked up when talking about The Texas Space Shuttle Disaster. The Charitable Giving - all money he gets from MC'ing events he donates to charity. The Perfectly Imperfect Marriage - he LOVES his wife, and they can't have children.

The event lived up to the hype. Don't tell Chris Shaw this but I'm sure the Olympics will as well. But now what? How do I deal with the void He has left behind, and how will Vancouver deal with a world post 2010? Health Services Canada would be devastated to learn that I never plan to wash my hands again after touching Gailus. Vancouver media will wonder what to angle every single story on now that they can't relate everything to the Olympics. Will we go back to caring about homeless people? Will scientists focus on eradicating the pine beetle problem? Will there be another Twilight sequel called Old Moon?

So many questions. So much uncertainty. Here is one way I plan to fill the void:

Counsel the guys in my class.

After the Chris Gailus visit I was approached by some of my fellow male students. First they praised me by calling me smart. I don't think they really think this, they were just buttering me up for what was to come. This is how the conversation went.

"You're smarter than most people Christine. You didn't really buy that tearing up crap did you? And all that stuff about giving to charity?!! SERIOUSLY!!!!? Dude can't be that perfect"

The fragility of the male ego is something I've learned about from TV shows like Big Love, Mad Men obviously, House, and even The Hills. I find it irritating, but to be totally honest, there are a lot of challenges facing men today. Long gone are the days when all they needed to do was provide for a family and learn to say 'that's final!' with some conviction. Now there are all sorts of pressures:

Look Good: The truth is that not all men look like Gailus/Batman. Even if you do, that won't always cut it anymore. Now you have to be pale enough to pass for a vampire, but not H1N1 pale. You have to dress well enough to pass for being gay, without looking like you care about clothes. Some athletic men have even started to fake having anatomical weaknesses in order to look more 'everyman', and that's how Flasses happened.

Don't Show Up Empty Handed: Bring something to the table. Gailus brought The Olympic Torch. Not a lot of dudes will be able to reciprocate that but they can still bring something. That something should be at least 2 out of 5 things. Hilarity, Smarts, Charisma, Ambition, Torch. Combine that with not showing up to a first date with a black eye and avoiding mentioning how many abortions you've actually performed and any guy is golden. (if either of you are reading this right now, sorry!)

Post Gailus, the women in class were applying for internships at Global and the guys were booking it to the gym. In the long run, both are very positive things.

Post Olympics I think that there will be a lot of positives as well. I hope that Gregor will go back to concocting delicious juice smoothies and biking to city hall. I hope that John Furlong never again calls denied female Olympic athletes 'girls'. I hope that Chris Shaw goes back to protesting the baby seal hunt somewhere far far away.

The only thing I actually know for certain is that I really want one of those controversial knock-off Cowichan sweaters The Bay is selling for the Olympics. Unfortunately, along with real estate in Vancouver, I will likely never be able to afford one.

He Came, We Saw, I Fell in Love....

2009-11-17T19:09:00.005-08:00

Today started off as a normal Tuesday morning - except for one BIG difference... I was going to meet Chris Gailus. And let me just say.... he did NOT disappoint! Guys... take notes.

He walked through the door shortly after 10:30am. I was sitting front row, center. It was a prime and coveted seat and for the guys reading this - it was club seats at a Canucks game, but better! All of the girls, myself included, immediately reverted to starry-eyed, 14 year old teenagers. He is handsome... very handsome!

Then he started to talk. Everything I had been taught in Announcing class was quickly forgotten:

Don't stare at the prompter (aka Mr. Gailus)- How could you not!
Blink often - I don't think my eyelids closed once.
Pace yourself - Normally as a reference to speech - in this case heart palpitations are more appropriate.

He is well-spoken, informative and if I haven't already mentioned, a total babe - all 6'5 of him. He started off with a history of his biography. He is inspiring, he speaks fondly and highly of his wife and he has a sensitive side. Every guy could learn a thing or two from Chris Gailus. I have to admit that when he walked in wearing a "slim-fit" turtle-neck I was slightly taken aback. But he had the arms to pull it off so I quickly forgave him. His wife - Jane - is one lucky lady.

After all of the inspirational words and tidbits of advice that he gave us, he left us with one last thing... the Olympic Torch. All of us hoarded around it - mesmerized. It was bigger than I expected, but then again so was he. As we all took a turn holding the torch and snuggling up close to Chris for a picture one thing was going through my head - I wonder if they have perfected that whole cloning business yet?

As I passed on the Torch to the next student and my morning with Chris Gailus came to a close, one things certain- the flame I hold for Chris Gailus got a little bit brighter today.

Moral of the Week

2009-11-10T18:25:00.013-08:00

In a career such as Journalism, first impressions are extremely important. What you do and how you act when you meet people can make or break you in this industry. Along with your personality, how you treat people is always remembered. We all make choices - good or bad - which come back to us later in life.

While cleaning out my emails recently I came accross a YouTube video that I couldn't resist. Christian and this duo can serve as a little reminder to all of us - you never know who will remember you in the future! Lets all hope I don't embarrass myself infront of Chris Gailus next week!

Christian the Lion

Christian the Lion was originally bought by a pair of Australians, John Rendall and Anthony "Ace" Bourke from the famous Harrods department store in London in 1969. Christian's growing size and increasing costs ultimately forced the duo to try to successfully reintroduce him to the African wild.

A year after his release the two decided to seek Christian out and check-up on their "old-friend." Rendall and Bourke were told to prepare themselves that they would not find Christian or that he would not remember them.

After searching and searching for him in the wild, they finally found him... the rest is history.

Anchoring vs Dating

2009-11-10T18:12:00.011-08:00

It's officially 6 days, 16 hours, 54 minutes, and 7 seconds until Chris Gailus comes to teach us News Anchoring and I'm getting really excited.

One reason is that we did our first anchoring assignment today and actually it's a lot harder than it looks.

I don't think I'm alone when I say that after this morning I felt a little nervous about my future as a Broadcast Journalist. At the end of our in class critique one of my classmates was on her way to Student Services to be diagnosed with dyslexia (although I wholeheartedly believe this was an over-exaggeration and a possible case of cyberchondria). Another classmate who wishes to remain anonymous but let me just say he is 1 of 2 contributors to our favourite blog The 5 Yard Curl, definitely regretted (although I don't) actually singing Frank Sinatra to introduce his World Series highlights. In between wondering whether I have a speech impediment and contemplating switching bronzers, I was at the very least speed dialing my hairdresser, Kevin, for an emergency bang trim.

All in all this was just another day at BCIT, which I'll take a moment to explain stands for The British Columbia Institute of Technology. It's interesting to note that daily, if not hourly, there is a technological problem resulting in videos being missed, audio not being recorded, or our dreaded computer assignments on the server being inaccessible. It makes me wonder what Institutes of Non-Technology are like... yikes! That being said, if everything worked properly then lots of tech nerds wouldn't have jobs, tons of money and disproportionately hot girlfriends.
In short, my sweet Twitter iphone App wouldn't exist. And I wouldn't be attracted to men who wear flasses.

But let's not get off track, back to Chris Gailus. The point of my story is that I hope he has a lot to teach us about anchoring. What I know so far about anchoring is as follows: It's a lot like dating.

1) Blink a lot, this makes you look natural and conversational. Will try this on tomorrow's date.

2) Move your head, but not too much. Will not be trying this on tomorrow's date.

3) Look down frequently but not too frequently. This is getting inappropriate, it's only a second date!

While dating and anchoring may be similar in that you have to sound intelligent, look good, and appear sincere and likable, the jury is still out as to which I'll be better at. I invite you all to weigh in. I know Brittany will!

The Amazing Race - The Marathon

2009-11-07T09:17:00.015-08:00

On Friday afternoon Green Eggs and Tam, along with all of our fellow BCIT BJ students, took off their Journalist trench coats, put on their runners and took to the pavement for charity. Every year our instructor MK puts on a 5k run to raise money for the Michael K. Thurston High Flight Memorial Endowment - a scholarship she started in honor of her late husband.

Both being very competitive by nature (and loving to dress up) we decided that this would be the perfect time for our very first Green Eggs and Tam Experiment. Armed in our knee high socks, short shorts and runners we took to the Great Hall and set the timer...

2 Girls, 5 minutes, 1 chance...

Purpose: To see who can raise the most money for the race.

Controls:

Location - The Great Hall - 12:35 pm
Outfit - Matching short shorts, knee highs & ponytails
Time - 5 minutes

Variables:

Confidence - Christine's arrogant smack talking VS Brittany's fear of asking strangers for money
Amount of Skin - Christine's bare legs VS Brittany's exposed shoulder

Stakes: Loser buys winner a beer at the pub after the run.

Procedure: Meet in the location, set the timer, divide and conquer. Both girls set off to individually ask for donations. After 5 minutes tally up the total.

Observations:

Christine: Approached only male students and one professor. Many claimed not to have any money on them. Got yelled at once by the grumpy professor.

Techniques included: running on the spot to show athleticism, shameless amounts of flirting and rubbing her bare legs.

Brittany: Approached any male or female who would listen and some who wouldn't. Many ignored her attempts and glared disapprovingly.

Techniques included: lengthy explanations of the cause, sussing out other media students and drawing attention to her outfit.

Results:

Christine: $4.62
Brittany: $13.17

Conclusion: In a shocking turn of events Brittany tripled Christine's fundraising efforts. Turns out Christine's overconfidence was no match for Brittany's competitive determination. All in all this was a successful first Green Eggs and Tam Experiment and an extra $17.79 was raised for the charity.

Comments:

"Brittany kicked my ass and I was a little demoralized. I was, however, able to rally from the defeat and come out on top in the run. I wasn't counting or anything but if I was to guess, I'd say I beat her by about 13 minutes and 54 seconds." - Christine

"No way man! First of all I did the run even with a major knee injury. Christine is just mad because she got her ass handed to her on a platter. Plus, I won't even get into who raised the most money pre-experiment. Actually, lets get into it: Brittany $50/Christine $10. FYI Christine's bank statements reveal, she took $10 out right before the run." - Brittany

Until next time....

xx
Green Eggs and Tam

25 Things You Probably Don't Want To Know About...Christine

2009-11-04T20:50:00.013-08:00

Here is my list. Brittany is always faster than me. She finishes her computer assignments ahead of me, shows up a couple minutes earlier than me in the morning, and posts her blogs about 6 hours before mine. I'm coming to terms with it.

1. I have 3 kidneys...you have 2. It's surprising how many people don't know that.
2. I quit smoking 3 months ago and only ever crave them when Don Draper smokes in bed.
3. I tried to legally change my name to Pumpkin Tam when I was 4 years old.
4. I love to fish. I'm currently working on developing the Fish Bonking App for iphone because I don't like killing them. I DO however like to gut them and eventually eat them.
5. I'm not ashamed to say I watch The Hills and The City and debrief both with my Mom after.
6. Teemu Selanne is my favourite hockey player.
7. The fact that I think he is handsome plays a part in that.
8. My favourite baseball player is Magglio Ordonez
9. His looks have very little to do with that.
10. Like my boy Bill Simmons, I believe the best movie of all time is Almost Famous. Read his mash up of top 50 AF quotes set to the winners and losers of the NBA's 2009 free-agent buying spree here. (old article but still sexy)
11. My favourite bottle of wine (and this varies weekly/monthly/hormonally) is Oyster Bay PinotNoir.
12. I thought the Facebook '25 Things' trend was really dumb and made fun of people who did it...
13. In high school I was a little awkward looking...people used to call me Turtle Boy & (c/o Hayley Gusola) Skeleton Bones....I'm pretty much over it.
14. My celebrity sightings include an intimate evening on a yacht with John Cusack (who wore gloves in July), a very long elevator ride with Michael Buble and his ego, and serving Zac Efron a carb friendly meal.
15. I secretly love country music. All they sing about is beer, driving, playing pool, and shooting people. It makes me really happy.
16. My favourite place to go on a date right now (and where Brittany and I had our first) is Habit on Main and 10th.
17. Even though my resume says I am, I am not detail oriented.
18. Dan Mangan, Bon Iver, and Band of Horses routinely make me cry when they come on the radio.
19. I wear men's cologne. I worry all the time that Esteban from Weeds wouldn't approve.
20. I prefer flowers over chocolate.
21. I think Jennifer Lopez is way too good for Marc Anthony. 79% of that belief comes from that Dakota Fanning movie where she gets kidnapped.
22. I used to teach Sex Ed to high school students in the Lower Mainland. I was that person who taught you how to put a condom on a wooden penis. I also used to dress up as a superhero called Lucy Lube...
23. I will never turn down a poker game.
24. I went traveling in Costa Rica this past summer. When my Dad emailed me asking how Puerto Rico was I didn't correct him.
25. I am excited about getting older. I like how every year I think I know everything and how the next year I look back and laugh at how I knew nothing. And on and on and so forth and so forth.

25 Things You Might Not Know About.... Brittany

2009-11-04T20:15:00.005-08:00

Upon venturing into the big, bad, blog world, Christine and I both thought maybe we should let you all in on a few things you may not know (or want to know) about each of us. So without further ado here are 25 things about Brittany:

I am obsessed with sour cream; we're not talking a drop or a dollop here people, I am talking scoops and mounds of full-fat goodness.
I started my own Mexican Familia. My name is Juan Carlos and I am the head of the familia. There are 30+ members.
I could eat sushi every single day and NEVER get sick of it.
I read 4 tabloid magazines a week and always do the crossword in the back of Star.
I love Costco. Plain and simple. What's not to love... go in hungry, come out full and satisfied. Plus, who doesn't love things that come in bulk!
I moved back to Vancouver in April of this year and still have not finished unpacking!!
I don't understand why baseball has 9 innings, what can they not do in 5?
I have a fear of fish - I use Fish Finder on the boat to tell me where not to swim.
I love Journey. Don't Stop Believin' is one of my all time favorite songs (and my ringtone).
Dance parties are always appropriate - any time, any place - tell me where and I am there!
I firmly believe that you should always use an accent when you quote people in the retelling of a story...its ALWAYS funnier!
My stories often have no point.
I have watched Russell Peters: Red, White and Brown over 50 times and laugh just as hard everytime.
I don't sing in the shower but I do love listening to people that do.
I have extreme road rage and often scream loudly in my car at bad drivers.
I swore I would never Tweet... you can follow me at www.twitter.com/bgreenslade.
My phone bill is on average 47 pages long.
I talk - a LOT.
My university class schedule revolved around Oprah. She is my higher power... have you SEEN her shoe closet people!
I still get up every Christmas morning at 5 am and wake up everyone in my house to open stockings - they do NOT approve.
The first concert I ever attended was Puff Daddy and the Family.
I never want anything, I always need it.
If nothing exciting happened in my day, I do not want to talk to you and will make you feel stupid for trying.
Did I mention how often I talk??
Up until the age of 23 I refused to eat lunch at a restaurant alone.

The Prophecy of Green Eggs and Tam

2009-11-03T21:21:00.002-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Brittany and Christine Show, the aforementioned shall hitherto be referred to as...Green Eggs and Tam! The short, albeit sordid history of our blog lies in what some see as a coincidence but what we call destiny. Just like The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet (but without all that dying drama) these star-crossed bloggers were meant to be together to entertain you.

Two girls, both alike in lack of dignity
In fair Vancouver, where we layer clothes
Upon meeting in September 2009,
We discovered ancient common enemies,
Break to 79 mutual Facebook friends.
From forth the friendship of these two brunettes,
A pair of star-cross'd bloggers share their lives.
Whole misadventures from opposite ends of the city
Is now the fearless content of our website.
To which if you with patient eyes and ears attend,
What here shall post, will strive to amuse our friends.

P.s. Thanks to Willy Shakes for the inspiration

Top 10 Signs Green Eggs And Tam was meant to be:

Growing up, both were figure skaters
Both went to university in Montreal
Both currently attend the Broadcast Journalism Program at BCIT, Grad 2011, Set F
Already had 79 mutual Facebook friends before they even met
Walked into class one Friday morning wearing the exact same Abercrombie and Fitch sweater ...from TWO SEASONS AGO
Instead of finding #5 embarrassing, bonding occurred
Both have small dogs
Both refer to their exes as Voldemort "He Who Shall Not Be Named" aka the Darklord from HP
Both show up for morning class obscenely early
Both subscribe to the 'it's 5 o'clock somewhere' rule

This concludes our inaugural post. We look forward to blogging with you!

xx
Brittany Greenslade and Christine Tam